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THE LEGEND OF DONNA QUIXOTE

Donna Quixote, she wasn't too smart;
she worked for the State and she drove a Dodge Dart,
her friends couldn't stand her, her plants always died,
and she was a virgin at age thirty-five.
But she had a secret she kept to herself —
a life of adventure upon her bookshelf!
Paperback novels with lavender spines
Secondhand romances, bought for a dime.
Night after night when she got home from work
she'd guzzle some gin and then plow through a book.
After the book she would turn out the light
and — well, anyway, on this one awful night
an awful catastrophe threw her off-stride:
at a quarter to midnight, the batteries died!
Donna Quixote got in her Dodge Dart
and drove like a madwoman to the Quik-Mart
therein to enter a personal Hell
when the clerk said, "I'm sorry, we're out of D-cells!"
When he saw her condition continue to worsen
he said "Why not try doing it with a person?"
Donna Quixote was willing to try
so she drove in her Dart to a real sleazy dive
and thought to herself, "It says here in my books
that a man will not care that I'm not blessed with looks."
She was right. She was lucky — she got there so late
the guys left at closing were desperate for dates.
She looked at her leisure and chose to go out
with a big ugly biker they called 'Sour Kraut.'
"Vich do you vant, beby, your place or mein?
Must I buy you champagne or vill you drink cheap vine?"
Donna reached in her purse and pulled out the pink text
and consulted it to see what should come next.
She said, "It is written on page fifty-three
I should be borne away by sublime ecstasy
and then scream, 'Oh my God, oh my God, that's so good
then you — hey! What's this here 'bout a 'shaft of manhood'?
Sour Kraut smirked as he gave her a kiss
and said "Look here, beby, it's sometink like tis!"
Donna looked and she said "That is not it at all!
It says here in my book it should not be so small!"
The Kraut burst into tears as he flipped her the bird
and stormed out of the bar without saying a word.
With a sigh Donna said "That was so overrated!
God knows my desire has all but abated!"
She went home and she lived happily ever after
For the next day she bought a new AC adapter.

      — Jennifer Abel