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HAIR

I-Paul Makes a Booboo

The minister is upset. He reads
from I Corinthians, Chapter 11.
Pony-tailed men examine their
hands while women with boy-cuts
raise their fingers to the backs
of their necks in shame. After
the service, he shakes hands.
A boy whispers in his ear
and points to the crucifix.

II-Down the Drain

The two women finish their pie.
A waiter takes the plates and places
the bill on the table. "I had never
seen him cry before, not even at
his mother's funeral, but when he saw
those hairs in the sink, he lost it."

III-Did Martians Use Curling Irons?

He only has six of them left, the others
are at laboratories in Switzerland,
Germany and the United States. He swears
they are the hairs of a Yeti. Scientists
have ruled this out in most cases but
there are a few that contain proteins
that closely match those in the Mars rocks.

IV-Dogs are Boys and Cats are Girls

Before they go to the mall, they clip
a big, pink bow in the baby's hair.
She has dark curls and they are tired
of people saying "What a cute little boy."

V-Booze and Books Drop from the List

68% of women now list "their hair" as the
number-one dissatisfaction of daily life.
They also list "their hairdryer" in
the top five things they want with them
on a deserted island. The husbands include
"a generator to run the hairdryer" in their list.

VI-Samson Gets His Eyes Back

"As the evolution of the human species moves
toward the smooth, hairless heads of science fact,
the hair transplant industry will be expected
to evolve as well. Hair cell cloning will be
our wave of the future. We have assured the world
that hair will not go the way of wisdom teeth
and the appendix."-From the Cleveland Hair
Transplant Conference, the "Samson" speech.

      — Michele Mason