BRIAN LONG

 

DOs and DON'Ts

It is an easy thing, really,
to fuck Martha Stewart
but here are a few pointers
to help the novice better perform:

1) DO: be aggressive.

She likes to be held down,
both hands pinned to the satin,
crossed at the wrist
and bound with soft ravels,
but tie them tight;
when she comes, she arches
like a bow, sings
like a plucked string;
mind her nails
if she struggles free.

2) DON'T: Spit on her stomach.

Small towelettes can be found
folded primly in the nightstand drawer;
lay them crosswise along
the breadth of her middle;
at the time of your release,
aim for the upper left-hand corner,
fold gently over, place neatly
in the sweet-grass basket labeled "souls"
at the foot of the bed.
Promptly move away, draw a warm bath.

3) DO: be vocal.

Talk dirty. Tell her how you want
to stain her silk doilies.

4) DON'T: stain her silk doilies.

5) DO: kiss her deeply...

...but not on the mouth; seek
other, darker, holes to fill,
but be wary of secret piercings;
she is very resourceful, uniquely clever
when finding uses for old buttons,
foil, and pumpkin seeds.

6) DON'T: touch the face...

...even in the most tender moments
of foreplay. Should you forget,
cold compresses are kept in the crisper;
apply pressure and store the amputated digit(s)
on ice until the paramedics arrive;
bleed only in the bathtub,
and do so sparingly lest splatter
soil the hand-made soaps.

7) DO: negotiate your fee beforehand.

8) DON'T: take a check.